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True Tales of the Induhviduals

From The Dilbert Newsletter :

"So, is this going to be a musical opera?"

"Can you tell me when my past due amount is due?"

"I think they must put something in food that makes you have to go to the bathroom".

"If the sun is a star, why can't you see it at night?"

"I thought gold was made of diamonds."

"She'd chase a monkey around the zoo if she thought that would help her find her head."

"Do BOTH ends of the cable have to be plugged in?"

"I've got some irons in the fire that may lay some eggs in the next few weeks."

"I feel like I'm beating my head against a dead horse."

"That's like trying to put an apple in an orange hole."

"Walt Disney would turn over in his grave if he were alive today."

Boss pep talk: "Last year we were like lambs. This year we are going to be sheep!"

A supplier called, saying that the barcode scanner could not read the hyphen character. Our engineer told her that she had to enable full ASCII on the scanner. She replied, "There's an ass key on the scanner?"
[Editor's note: You can't type a colon without an Ass Key.]

A new member of the staff thought she was doing very well during her probationary period because the reports on her work came back from the Quality Assurance Department marked NOTFAIL. It wasn't until her three-month performance review that she learned that NOTFAIL is short for "notification of failure."

A manager who received a new computer asked, "Don't these new computers come with CDROM drives?" I said yes. He insisted that his computer did not have a CDROM drive, but "There is a little drawer that opens at the BOTTOM of my computer, but it won't hold a CD." He had the computer upside down. I would have thought that the fact that everyone else got a "DELL" computer and his said "77ED" would have clued him in.

I was training a new assistant to do our daily backup. She came to a point where she was stuck. She had the mouse in her hand and asked me what to do next. I told her to left-click anywhere in the white area. She asked, "Click what?" I said, "The mouse." Her response was, "Where's the mouse at?" Needless to say, I found a new assistant.

I once read an article about a person who was against daylight savings time. She said that the extra hour of sunlight would kill the grass. I mentioned this story to my sister, laughing while I did so, and my sister replied that there WAS extra sunlight during daylight savings. I explained that congress couldn't legislate extra sunlight. To this day my college-educated sister believes that daylight savings time gives us extra sunlight.

One of our managers, in trying to explain how versatile he is, described himself as "multi-flaccid."

This morning while I was in our office kitchen, a co-worker walked up to me and asked when my birthday was. I told her November. She looked puzzled and asked if it was this coming November.

Some colleagues and I were out to lunch when peers from a local competitor entered the restaurant with a young engineer who was obviously being interviewed. (We eavesdropped.) When asked why he went to a local college rather than a nearby nationally ranked engineering school, the new guy said, "It's too competitive. I can't take that kind of pressure." We hope they hired him.

My ex's mom took the written test to become a school bus driver. She was explaining that the whole process was very difficult. She kept talking about how hard the key-nah-low-gee test was. When I realized she was talking about a "knowledge" test I had to leave the room to avoid hurting her feelings by "laughing like a banshee."

One of my two bosses took the company credit card on a business trip. Meanwhile we needed the credit card number to buy a server. My other boss said, "We used to have a sheet of paper around the office that had all our company credit card numbers with their expiration dates and security codes. I wonder what happened to that. Maybe we should make another one."

I was working at an office supply store several years ago when I received a phone call. The caller told me that someone had broken into his office and stolen his fax machine. I sympathized. Then he asked me "How do I keep the people who stole my fax machine from receiving my faxes?"

A science teacher was telling her ninth grade students about how Mars and Venus are sometimes visible in the night sky. One of the students asked if you ever see earth in the sky as well.

I worked for a computer repair company. We sold a monitor to a customer, who called us a few hours later, very upset. He complained that the monitor we had sold him was defective. After about ten minutes on the phone with him, I determined that he had the screen part of the monitor face down on the desk. He was staring at the base and wondering why it wasn't working. He hung up rather sheepishly after this was explained to him.

I was at a new grocery and asked where the flour tortillas were. The young woman suggested checking the floral department.

After getting lost, I stopped and asked the clerk of a convenience store for directions. My confidence in him took quite a blow when he asked, "Are you coming from State Route 37?" With as much patience as I could muster, I said, "No. I'm coming from right here."

I work in a large department store in London. I was taking the lift (that's an elevator in American) and a lady got in with me. When the doors closed, she started hammering the button for the ground floor with a look of grave seriousness. Someone asked her why she kept doing it. "It keeps the lift from stopping at other floors," she said, "unless someone has pressed the button to call it."

I was traveling on business in a small town. At about 9:00 pm, my colleague and I started calling around for a place to eat that would still be open. The first few restaurants that we called said they closed by 9:00, but we finally found one that said they were open until 10:00. We rushed right over, arriving at 9:15. The restaurant server gave us a seat, but no menus. When we asked for menus she said, " Oh, the restaurant is open until 10:00, but the kitchen closes at 9:00."

Cigarette packets in the UK feature huge health warnings that take up about two-thirds of the front of the packet. These bear messages such as "Smoking Kills" and "Smoking seriously harms you and others around you." A colleague of mine was queuing in a store behind a woman who was buying a packet of cigarettes. On seeing the packet that the storekeeper was handing her, she said, "Oh no, don't give me the "Smoking Kills" packet. Give me the "Smoking harms your fertility," 'cos I've already got two kids."

I work in an electric propulsion lab that contains several vacuum chambers for testing propulsion devices in a space-like environment. During a routine safety check, the safety officer was VERY concerned about the dangers of "vacuum leaking out into the lab."

One day our property office mistakenly faxed me a document on some equipment that belonged to another department. I called to let them know that it had been misdirected. The Induhvidual thanked me and requested that I fax the document back so he could destroy it.

I asked a customer, "Would you like a 20 ounce or 32 ounce drink?" He responded, "Which one is bigger?"

In my high school social studies class, we were having a discussion about Sigmund Freud, the famous psychologist. After our teacher finished telling us about Freud and his life, a girl asked which one of them got attacked by the tiger. She thought we were discussing Siegfried & Roy.

I have a part-time job as a tech support. I was explaining to a caller that she should right-click on the image, and select COPY. When she asked me if I was referring to MY right, or HER right, I hung up.

My birthday falls on September 13th, which means that once every so often I have a Friday 13th birthday. While on the phone to my friend discussing my birthday plans she asked if I was superstitious about the date. I replied that no, I had had birthday's on Friday 13th before and wasn't worried about it. To which she responded "I wonder if my birthday will ever be on Friday 13th?" Not likely, since her birthday is May 2nd.

Management started having meetings to plan what the new organization would look like after the upcoming layoffs. Our pointy-haired boss was invited to the first two meetings but suddenly the invitations stopped. A day before the layoff announcements he said, "I'm sure that the layoffs won't concern our division because they haven't asked me for any names yet. In fact, they don't even invite me to the meetings anymore!" (Guess
who was on top of the list?)

My co-worker went to get her driver's license renewed at the Florida Department of Motor Vehicles. The line was long, as always, and she took out her cell phone to make a call. The clerk called out to her and the other people in line, "You cannot use your cell phone in here; it makes our computers run very slow!"

I work for a government contractor and was recently in a meeting with a bureaucrat who was explaining a new IT system. Describing how useful it was, he claimed that it would meet our needs "99.9 times out of a thousand."

I was at a high school football game when an induhvidual nearby asked, "How many quarters are there in the game?"

My principal was interviewing a candidate for a job as guidance counselor and said, "Your references are so glowing it looks like you can walk on water." The candidate was a paraplegic in a wheelchair.

I worked with a woman who had a nose job. She said, "I wonder if my baby will have my new nose or my old nose?"

I overheard two students emerging from an "Introduction to Social Work" class. One said, "I can't stand this class. All the teacher ever talks about is her family. I hate hearing other people's problems!"

My older sister was ranting about something and I commented, "You're acting pretty stupid, ya know?" Her defense? "I'm not acting!!!"

During a discussion of requirements for a new system we are developing, my manager stated that he wants "24 x 7 availability, 5 days a week!"

About a month ago, I was unable to avoid listening to a coworker in the next cube. He was on the phone talking to his wife about their son, and I heard, "He hit you? No, don't take that at all. Smack him if he hits you again." I wonder where his son learned how to resolve problems? Today I heard him talking to his wife about their daughter being in a fistfight. The mystery deepens.

In class, the teacher told us to answer questions one and two. A quick-thinking student needed more clarity and asked, "Is that one AND two, or one THROUGH two?"

We recently interviewed a job candidate who told us that the thing she liked least about her previous jobs was that she was "always getting written up." Her explanation for the write-ups included fighting with co-workers, being late, and making mistakes. I hope this was just a practice interview because she needs it!

In my high school biology class we somehow got on the topic of birth and the teacher mentioned that his father was the first premature baby in the state to have used an incubator. One Induhvidual raised his hand and asked, "Did he survive?"

While I was working my boss came up to me and asked "How much ink will it take for me to scan this into my computer?" I replied that I didn't know and that he should scan it in and see.


 

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